rejection, fear, guilt
*Disclaimer: Blame all my waxing philosophical on PMS.
Recently, I've been grappling with rejection. Why we do it, how we deal with it, why some people are better rejectors than others, how rejection can be cushioned, why fear of rejection causes us to not take chances. Things like that.
As an actor, rejection is a very common occurence that I've had to deal with at a majority of auditions. You are bound to get rejected about 90% of the time so you build a thick skin and realized, it isn't personal, it's business. Like any job interview, there are more applicants than positions and sometimes, someone fits the bill better than you, for whatever reason; experience, education, nepotism. After years of that, I took that thick skin and pretty much applied it to everything--I'd ask guys out without the fear of being rejected because, hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I've met amazing friends by putting myself out there and just letting it rip. Rejection was not one of my fears. I had been rejected so often, I kinda felt that anything other than that was a strange response.
Over the past year, however, I've come to have a growing fear of rejection. Not just my own rejection, but a fear of rejecting other people. I've seen so many people deal with rejection so poorly, why would I want to cause that much unhappiness and self-doubt? Even when people say that rejecting them is okay, you know it really isn't. I've been on both sides of that fence this year, many times, and I'm trying to figure, what am I supposed to be learning from this? At first, I thought it was some kind of karmic return for something I did in the past, but I'm pretty sure I would've been hit by a bus for something karmic. Then I thought, maybe this is my lesson in knowing how it feels to be the rejectee for all the rejecting? No, that wasn't good enough. After many possible theories about this, I realized why all this putting myself in a position to be rejected when I personally feared rejecting: guilt.
Guilt is a funny little gnome. Guilt, a distant cousin of karma, is self-induced karmic retribution. It is when you feel so bad about something you did, you feel like you need to punish yourself for it. Sometimes the guilt is founded, sometimes it isn't. But in all cases of guilt, people put themselves in a position, subconsciously, to "be punished" for whatever wrong they (think they) have committed. The problem with this is that with karma, once you pay yours dues, that's it. With guilt, you will continue to inflict pain upon yourself until you let go of the guilt or are strapped to a bed with a nurse administering a sedative to calm the demons in you head. In some cases, that's good, in others, I think it is a result of self-victimization.
I'm hoping my rejection issues are going to wane soon so I can get on with my life. It really puts a wall up towards individual growth. And I can only deal with so much rejection myself, so when my guilt subsides and I stop playing the role of the flagellant, I think I'll feel much better and will have much more unadulterated fun.
Recently, I've been grappling with rejection. Why we do it, how we deal with it, why some people are better rejectors than others, how rejection can be cushioned, why fear of rejection causes us to not take chances. Things like that.
As an actor, rejection is a very common occurence that I've had to deal with at a majority of auditions. You are bound to get rejected about 90% of the time so you build a thick skin and realized, it isn't personal, it's business. Like any job interview, there are more applicants than positions and sometimes, someone fits the bill better than you, for whatever reason; experience, education, nepotism. After years of that, I took that thick skin and pretty much applied it to everything--I'd ask guys out without the fear of being rejected because, hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I've met amazing friends by putting myself out there and just letting it rip. Rejection was not one of my fears. I had been rejected so often, I kinda felt that anything other than that was a strange response.
Over the past year, however, I've come to have a growing fear of rejection. Not just my own rejection, but a fear of rejecting other people. I've seen so many people deal with rejection so poorly, why would I want to cause that much unhappiness and self-doubt? Even when people say that rejecting them is okay, you know it really isn't. I've been on both sides of that fence this year, many times, and I'm trying to figure, what am I supposed to be learning from this? At first, I thought it was some kind of karmic return for something I did in the past, but I'm pretty sure I would've been hit by a bus for something karmic. Then I thought, maybe this is my lesson in knowing how it feels to be the rejectee for all the rejecting? No, that wasn't good enough. After many possible theories about this, I realized why all this putting myself in a position to be rejected when I personally feared rejecting: guilt.
Guilt is a funny little gnome. Guilt, a distant cousin of karma, is self-induced karmic retribution. It is when you feel so bad about something you did, you feel like you need to punish yourself for it. Sometimes the guilt is founded, sometimes it isn't. But in all cases of guilt, people put themselves in a position, subconsciously, to "be punished" for whatever wrong they (think they) have committed. The problem with this is that with karma, once you pay yours dues, that's it. With guilt, you will continue to inflict pain upon yourself until you let go of the guilt or are strapped to a bed with a nurse administering a sedative to calm the demons in you head. In some cases, that's good, in others, I think it is a result of self-victimization.
I'm hoping my rejection issues are going to wane soon so I can get on with my life. It really puts a wall up towards individual growth. And I can only deal with so much rejection myself, so when my guilt subsides and I stop playing the role of the flagellant, I think I'll feel much better and will have much more unadulterated fun.
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